Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
