Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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