Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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