Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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