she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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