I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
