So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
