News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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