apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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