I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
