before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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