i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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