I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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