Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize