i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
