I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
