Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize