How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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