I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
