My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
