white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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