I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
