soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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