so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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