I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
