Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
