i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
