I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
