So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
