Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
