if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
