My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
