There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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