They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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