Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
