Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
