Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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