MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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