Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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