i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
