I wish you could order shots online.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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