mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
