we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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