i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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