Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
