they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
