I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize