Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
