A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
