How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
