I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
