We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
