I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
