Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When are your genitals available?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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