I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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