I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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