dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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