I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
