you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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