I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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