Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so that wasnt chicken after all
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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